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; Wednesday, December 2, 2009 10:49 AM
7 Things I Hate About Everyone...
1. People who point at their wrist asking for the time... I know where
my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch
when I ask where the toilet is?
2. People who are willing to get off their a** to search the entire room
for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change
the channel manually.
3. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it
is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do
people do this? Who and where are they?
4. When people say while watching a film, "did ya see that?" No
Loser, I paid $7.50 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor!
5. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?"... Didn't give me a
choice there, did ya sunshine?
6. When something is 'new and improved'. Which is it? If it's new,
then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement,
then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.
7. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus
come yet?" If the bus came, would I be standing here???
Jus Jokin...^..^
A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was astonished to see
the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw
an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was
addressed, "Mom." With the worst premonition, she opened the
envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:
Dear Mom: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I
had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a
scene with Dad and you. I've been finding real passion with Ahmed
and he is so nice-even with all his piercings, tattoos, beard, and his
motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Mom, I'm pregnant
and Ahmed said that we will be very happy. He already owns a trailer
in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He
wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my
dreams too. Ahmed taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt
anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with his friends for
all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that
science will find a cure for AIDS so Ahmed can get better; he sure
deserves it!! Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how
to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you
can get to know your grandchildren.
Your daughter, Judith
PS: Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I
just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my
report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is
safe for me to come home.
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A LOGICAL SOLUTION.
Now here is a problem that finally has a formula for getting to the
bottom of an age old problem.
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than
100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you
to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up
100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these
questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is
represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12.........
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-*-*-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard
work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you
there, it's the Bulls**t that will put you over the top.
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Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poke me in the ribs
and cackle, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started
doing the same thing to them at funerals.
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In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed to
stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:
--On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase
necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special)?
--On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot
after heating."
(...and you thought????...)
--On packaging for a Rowena iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me more time)?
--On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(and...I'm taking this because???....)
--On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use
only."
(as opposed to...what)?
--On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious)
--On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)
---On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open
packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: maybe, ooh...fly Delta?)
--On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not
enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
--On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your
hands or genitals."
(Oh my ..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the
stupidity.
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--10th grade --
As I sat there in English class, I stared at the girl next to me. She was
my so called "best friend". I stared at her long, silky hair, and wished
she was mine. But she didn't notice me like that, and I knew it. After
class, she walked up to me and asked me for the notes she had missed
the day before and handed them to her. She said "thanks" and gave
me a kiss on the cheek. I wanted to tell her, I want her to know that I
don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't
know why.
--11th grade--
The phone rang. On the other end, it was her. She was in tears,
mumbling on and on about how her love had broke her heart. She
asked me to come over because she didn't want to be alone, so I did.
As I sat next to her on the sofa, I stared at her soft eyes, wishing she
was mine. After 2 hours, one Drew Barrymore movie, and three bags
of chips, she decided to go to sleep. She looked at me, said "thanks"
and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know
that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I
don't know why.
--Senior year--
The day before prom she walked to my locker. My date is sick" she
said; he's not going to go well, I didn't have a date, and in 7th grade,
we made a promise that if neither of us had dates, we would go
together just as "best friends". So we did. Prom night, after everything
was over, I was standing at her front door step. I stared at her as she
smiled at me and stared at me with her crystal eyes. I want her to be
mine, but she isn't think of me like that, and I know it. Then she said
"I had the best time, thanks!" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I want
to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I
love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.
--Graduation Day--
A day passed, then a week, then a month. Before I could blink, it was
graduation day. I watched as her perfect body floated like an angel up
on stage to get her diploma. I wanted her to be mine, but she didn't
notice me like that, and I knew it. Before everyone went home, she
came to me in her smock and hat, and cried as I hugged her. Then she
lifted her head from my shoulder and said, "you're my best friend,
thanks" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her
to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too
shy, and I don't know why.
--A Few Years Later--
Now I sit in the pews of the church. That girl is getting married now. I
watched her say "I do" and drive off to her new life, married to
another man. I wanted her to be mine, but she didn't see me like that,
and I knew it. But before she drove away, she came to me and said
"you came!". She said "thanks" and kissed me on the cheek. I want to
tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love
her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.
--Funeral--
Years passed, I looked down at the coffin of a girl who used to be my
"best friend". At the service, they read a diary entry she had wrote in
her high school years. This is what it read: I stare at him wishing he
was mine, but he doesn't notice me like that, and I know it. I want to
tell him, I want him to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love
him but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why. I wish he would tell
me he loved me! 'I wish I did too...' I thought to my self, and I cried.
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--People have the right to be stupid. Some people abuse that
privilege.
--Don't play stupid with me...I'm better at it.
--Just remember... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
--Roses are red violets are blue, God made me pretty, what happened
to you?
--Heaven won't take me and hell's afraid I'll take over.
--The darkness that surrounds us cannot hurt us.
It is the darkness in your own heart you should fear...
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